I realize that it is 15 days into 2012, but I stumbled upon a neat idea, and thought that I would jump on in and start.

It is called One Word 365, and instead of making New Years resolutions, you choose one word to focus on.  One word to reflect on.  One word to strive towards.

So, my word is discover.  This year I want to discover who I am.  I want to discover who God calls me to be.  I want to discover the little things.  

I always say that the journey is the destination, and a beautiful part of that is discovering things as we journey.  

So this year, I plan to discover.

"So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different" - Death Cab for Cutie

I couldn't think of a better way to state how I feel about this New Years.  Since I was asleep by midnight on New Years Eve, this New Years didn't start with a bang.

I really don't feel any different.  I don't have any resolutions, because I know that within a week or two, I'll break them.

Sorry this is a few days late, but after being back at school, classes and work got me busy...as well as going to see The Avett Brothers last night.

I'll have one more post, on Friday night worship, I just haven't had time to write it yet.

As I write my final reflection on Exploration, my mind is still racing with things that were said by the speakers, at the workshops, and just in conversation with others.

One thing that is really sticking out in my head is when Rev. Adam Hamilton told a story about a young boy watching someone light the lamps in the street, and when asked what he was doing, he said that someone was “knocking holes in the darkness.”  He then said to us, Let’s be the people that knock holes in the darkness. 

At the end of the weekend, if I had to put a sentence to what my call is, it is that I am called to be someone that punches holes in the darkness.  I am called to share God’s unending grace and his unending second chances.  I’m called to love those that people find unlovable, to help give hope to those that have lost it.  I’m called to share the love and hope of the Gospel.

So, you might be thinking, awesome...but what does that mean you are going to do with your life, and that is a great question to ask.  I would say that right now, it looks like ordained ministry, but I try not to be too specific with my plans for the future – because the chalk board in my head with all my specific ideas for the future always seems to get erased, because they are my ideas.

One last thought, tonight as I was beginning to sort through all my papers and things from the weekend, my mind was racing with thoughts from all that I heard, especially the Local Church Ministry workshop; I stumbled upon the piece of glass from Friday night.  As I placed it on my desk, my lamp hit it and I saw that piece of glass in a brand new way.  When I look back on this weekend, I now see my call in a brand new way.  Through the workshops, worship, small groups, and conversation with others, I now see my call in a new light.

This post started out as part of my day 2 recap, but I ended up writing too much.

The first workshop that I went to was called “Living in a Fishbowl:  Being a Young Adult in Ministry.”  This was a panel discussion that was based fully upon our questions – and these ranged from questions about authority when working with youth, to respectful boundaries, all the way to what does it look like to be dating while in ministry, and how do you balance your personal life and your ministry without neglecting one or the other.

The next workshop that I went to was called “What to Expect While in Seminary.”  This was one of the more practical workshops.  We not only talked about the admissions process and what is looked at on the application, but we also has the opportunity to ask questions to three current seminarians.  Being able to see “living, breathing seminarians” that weren’t a) dying b) were still strong in their faith and c) seemed to be enjoying seminary with every ounce of their being, was nice.  To be able to ask questions from what are classes structured like, is it possible to have a job and be a successful student, what has being in seminary been like for your faith and how do you find yourself growing in the community, and most importantly, how do you take time for yourself.

The last workshop that I did was perhaps the best workshop out of all of them.  While each one was informative and amazing in its own way, “Local Church Ministry,” was phenomenal.  Lead by Robyn Miller and Juan Huertas, they told stories about their first appointments and how different it is from leading a rural church to a church that has a staff of 17.  After sharing their own stories, they opened up for questions, and it seemed like all questions lead to something negative.  It was nice to hear someone be real about what ministry it – it is hard, at the end of some days you’ll be left numb, and many times you’ll be confronted with ideas about what exactly your ministry is supposed to look like.  It was also reassuring to know that your sense of call doesn’t exactly become crystal clear because you are in seminary or serving at a church.  The session did end on a positive note:  the question was asked what aspects of ministry you find the most joy.  Both Robyn and Juan talked about performing the sacraments.  Robyn talked about the feeling and joy she gets out of performing a baptism, no matter the age.  Juan talked about how much he loves being people around the table and joining in communion with others.  Hearing them talk about this was my “a-ha” moment of the weekend – I was quickly reminded about what it is the calls me to the Order of Elders, being able to preside over the sacraments and share that tangible representation of Christ with others gives me chills just thinking about it.

This was written while waiting in the St. Louis airport for my flight home

Day two at Exploration was beyond phenomenal – I never knew that in the span of 24 hours, I could learn and grow so much.

The day started out with Juan Huertas and April Casperson getting us pumped up and excited about what the day was going to hold.  There was an energy that was contagious from Juan, and I was ready to start the day (I should also note that during worship we sang two of my favorite hymns, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and an amazing jazzed up version of The Summons).

As we broke into our small groups, there was good and challenging conversation that left me thinking about lots of things.  As we went to our workshops – I was excited to see what all I would learn (There will be another blog post about the workshops that I attended). 

After dinner, we went in to a night of worship.  Not only did we sing Firework by Katy Perry, but Bishop Hayes was on point with his preaching.  While many of the words that he spoke were familiar, to see his intensity and passion was phenomenal…He also has some pretty legit dance moves.

As we broke up into our small groups, our discussions were filled with hopeful remarks about what it means to be a chosen people to God, and how we can take our passions and use them within the church.  More importantly, we shared what we would do when we got home because of this weekend.  What would we change, what would we work on, how would we be more proactive with our call?

After saying goodbyes, because my early flight led me to miss Sunday morning worship, I found myself and new friends, wandering the streets of St. Louis soaking up one last night in a city, which to me, has become an important landmark in my call story.

With a quick 2 hour nap, I was up at 4 am and on the way to the airport and embarking on the journey back home.

Day 1 of Exploration is over.  With the lack of sleep, it feels like it has been a couple days, but in an extremely good way.

When I first got to St. Louis, we found ourselves making our way to the hotel via the metro, checked into our hotel, and went out in search for lunch.  This took us to a small diner, where I had one of the best cheeseburgers I had in a while.  After registration, I decide that it is time to take a nap – and after 3 hours, I was feeling kind of rested, but still extremely sleepy.

Dinner wasn’t until 5, so we caught up with the Shenandoah University folk and headed over to the Arch.  Dinner was great, and with a sighting of Adam Hamilton – I was pumped about opening worship.

Hamilton was phenomenal, not that I was expecting anything less, and really challenged me to think about things (there will be a blog post on its own about what he spoke on and the page of illegible notes that I scribbled down).

Next we headed to our small groups, and one of the most important things that I took away from that was how we all come from different places and we all have our own stories, yet there are many factors that we all share.  For example, most of us had someone(s) call out our gifts and pushed us to really seek and explore God’s call on our lives – even when we were hesitant to do so (once again, there will be another blog post on my overall small group experience sometime in the next week or two).

After our small group meetings were over, it was time for some fellowship!  There were jam sessions throughout the hotel lobby, lots of pizza being ordered, and building of relationships with friends, old and new.

With all that I’ve learned and experienced thus far, I can’t wait to see what the rest of the weekend will hold.

This is just the first post of many about my experiences at Exploration

This was written at 4:30ish on Friday morning, but lack of internet has made it difficult to post as I’m writing them.

I’m currently sitting at Charlottesville Airport, anxiously waiting getting on the plane to Charlotte – to get to the final destination of St. Louis.

To say that I am excited is an understatement.  While the physical journey to get to Exploration began at 2 am this morning, the spiritual journey to get here began a long time ago.  At Calling 21 intern training, we were told that we should look into going to Exploration this fall, as a way to, after a summer in ministry,  further explore our calling within the Church – and what our individual calling means for our lives.

So after much talk about whether I should embark on this journey, I decided yes – but that isn’t without my trusty sidekick Emily

So here I am, after a somewhat stressful beginning because the airport was closed and the security guard told us that more than likely, no one would be working the counters until 5 (15 minutes before our flight was to leave).  I’m excited to see what this weekend will hold and what I will learn, not only about myself – but about my calling and ordained ministry in the United Methodist church.

On Friday night, I had the amazing opportunity to see two of my favorite bands, along with 2 others.  Both John Mark McMillan and Gungor have had new cds come out recently, and when I finally got the chance to really listen to them, I was amazed with the rich lyrical value on both records.

On Friday night, JMM played a good mix of songs from both of his albums - one that has really stuck with me is Love You, Swore - and to begin with it was the lyric, "Harbor me in the eye of the storm, I'm holding on to the love you swore."  Mixed with JMM's voice and the repition throughout the song, I was struck by this line.

As I listened to the song further, and as we sang it in worship at RISE this morning, there were 2 other lines that really struck me.

The first is:

Cause I know that I love you, but sometimes I'm afraid 

there is a truth to this line that resonates deep within my soul.  JMM has a way of taking all these things that I think and feel about my faith and putting them into words in one of the most beautiful ways.

The other line is:

Cause I know that I need you, but sometimes I need you more

Once again, JMM has this way of summing up my thoughts and putting them forth so elegantly.  I am reminded of the fact that while I always rely on the grace and love of God, there are few moments when I actually admit that I need it and that without it, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

“His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land.” – Albert Camus; “Each Person Gives His or Her Own Life Meaning”

In my Philosophy class the past week or so we have been reading Albert Camus and working on a unit that discusses the meaning of life and whether or not life has meaning beyond our day to day lives.

After reading the “Myth of Sisyphus” and “The Guest” and learning about Camus’ absurd heroes, we began to look at his arguments for what makes life absurd.  He begins his argument discussing the weariness from the mundane, everyday actions of one’s life.  He moves on to say that there is a temporality about life.  Next he discusses the “primitive hostility of the world” and the harshness of nature, which is coupled with “discomfort in the face of man’s own inhumanity.”  All of this reaches one end:  death. 

While Camus’ argument is one that leaves little room for hope, I find myself sprinkling hope throughout his argument, because I find myself agreeing with what he says, although my faith brings me to think that there is a bigger reason to life than just moving towards to death.

The quote at the top of this post is one that, while referencing the story of the Israelites and there wandering through the Wilderness, reminded me of another story.  I couldn’t help but think about the Story of the Prodigal Son (I know you are probably thinking that I need to find a new Bible story to read).  I wonder if the younger son ever felt that his exile was without remedy.  That since he had left his own home for his promised land, and found nothing but disappointments and despair there – he no longer had a home or promised land.  I truly believe that if he thought that, he wouldn’t have gone home…he had to have hope that something was going to happen, something good was going to come out his wanderings…that out of his exile, he was going to find himself.  That hope called him home, that love called him home, that in his darkest moments, his hope helped him find the light.

Harvey Milk once said, “Without hope, the us’ give up – I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living.”

I can’t agree more with Milk’s words.  I have one more quote on hope to share, and honestly, I have a bajillion that I could use, but this one is speaking to me in ways that are unimaginable.

I just heard a song that will be on Mumford and Sons new album, called “Ghosts That We Knew” and there is one line that says “So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light.”  There is a simple beauty in that line that runs chills through my spine.  That reminds me that there is a bigger reason that I am here.

I love fall break. and I'm really glad that I go to a school that has a somewhat substantial break - a long weekend away from school is always nice. Being able to sleep until 10, actually watch tv, straighten my hair without the fire alarm going off, and just do nothing is a much needed break from everything that the school year brings. I'm also pretty lucky that my fall break falls over my brother's birthday. I'm looking forward to the next 3 days with no classes, not a lot of homework, and catching up with family and friends.